Am I an imposter?

I am insecure. There I said it and committed it to my digital page in which I write this article. It’s a thought that makes me a little embarrassed. I’ve recently found myself questioning my creative ability to perform in an industry where creativity, confidence, and conviction is the fire that seemingly ignites all my mentors to create. Further, by questioning my abilities I am starting to question the reason I’m questioning my abilities. It’s a maddening cycle. Have I not worked hard for the last five years, looking to continually improve my skills and ask to work on things that challenge my knowledge? Maybe I haven’t put myself out there enough? Maybe if I write more articles, attend more creative conferences, talk to more creatives, search for more mentors, train in more varied areas, I will finally feel validated in my own ability?

Nothing has made this more apparent than my process of applying for a new job. To see a list laid out in front of you of all the things you should already know to fulfill a role is terrifying. Out of the 20 things an employer is asking you to already comprehend, you only confidently say you agree with 15 of them? Well... fuck me. Guess I can’t apply for that job. Or the next. Or the next. It’s like I’m stuck repetitively swiping left because all the jobs have cute smiles and abs I can’t compete with. I felt my insecurity growing as my inadequacies kept being matter-of-factly presented to me. I felt like I was alone in this. Until I learned of the imposter syndrome (again, my inner doubter ashamedly asks, “shouldn’t you already have heard of this?”)

While attending one of those creative conferences I mentioned earlier to hopefully seem more serious about my career, I listened to Stephen Gates talk about how a study had suggested that 70% of people experience the phenomenon of feeling like an imposter at least once in their career. Essentially this idea is distilled down into the fear you are a fraud and how you can overcompensate to avoid being “found out”. The thing you have to truthfully ask is, are you really an imposter? Or, more realistically, are you just experiencing insecurities that coincide with your personality and circumstance?

I hope you continue reading and experience at least some form of empathy to what I’m talking about, otherwise, you might be an imposter and just don’t know it. As Gates suggests, “real imposters do exist in our industry… [they] look like they know what you are doing – but when the rubber meets the road there is nothing there”.

Honestly, while I think this is true in some respect, you have to be a real Patrick Bateman to think you aren’t susceptible to the imposter syndrome as it affects us in so many different ways. Author, Valerie Young, categorizes five types of capable people who experience the syndrome that could put it into perspective for you. These are; The Perfectionist, The Superwoman/man, The Genius, The Individualist and The Expert. While it’s daunting being simplified into a Myers-Briggs-like category, Young does provide some guidelines to step out of your imposter funk if you do feel an uncomfortable but truthful affiliation with one of the constructs (or more likely, multiple affiliations).

The Perfectionist

You’re a creative that continually sets such high standards and ambitious goals for yourself that inevitably when it can’t be achieved your confidence is shattered. You are adamant you have to do everything yourself for it to be perfect and can’t delegate it to anyone else. It’s exhausting always believing you could’ve done better, and you forget to look at your own work as an achievement, but rather twistedly feel as if you failed because it looks different than imagined. Feeling uncomfortable? It could mean this idea of perfectionism has hit the nail on the head (for lack of a better idiom). Like all these categories, I believe that being a perfectionist isn’t all bad, but you do need to fight the urge on occasion in order to not be buried under it in the future. When a mistake or unforeseen problem occurs, take it in your stride and accept that shit happens (again, for lack of a better idiom) but it’s not the end, just an opportunity to adapt. Another weapon in the paraphernalia for fighting against perfectionism is taking unprepared leaps of faith. Start something when you aren’t exactly ready and force yourself to start right now and not plan for months.

The Superwoman/man

With feeling like a phony comes great responsibility. You have to stay late to prove you work hard and deserve to wear the costume of “employee”. You can’t rest and must always be ready to answer the call, as relaxing means you aren’t doing enough. You can’t have a hobby because who will be there for the greater good of the project if you pick up a paintbrush or learn a new sport. Put your hands up if you feel personally victimized by Young’s Superwoman/man category.

This one stung a bit. The superhero complex comes from feeling like you are working alongside real superheroes, and you’ll never measure up. It’s not simple to reconcile these traits, but with “people in the [Australian] media, marketing and creative industries considerably more likely to show mild to severe symptoms of depression and anxiety compared to the national data (based on a report from the Australian Psychological Society in 2015)”* it’s extremely important to exercise some new powers to help fight your own evils. Don’t seek validation from external sources as you’ll blur the line between how much work is justified and how much is actually needed. Rather, internally validate yourself as a hard worker, and figure out your own limits on how much to sacrifice before you jeopardize personal health and become the anti-social “hero” of the office.

The Genius

While The Perfectionist measures themselves against their own impossible standards, The Genius judges their worth on whether or not they can get the job on the first try. You feel your ability to do something is more telling than the efforts it takes to achieve it, often overlooking a mentor as you should be able to handle things on your own. A challenge isn’t exciting but intimidating because it means you’re faced with something that you haven’t done before or are not good at right away. You may see yourself in The Genius category but here’s the thing, you’re not a genius. You’re just confident in the skills you’ve had for years but panic if you don’t have skills in other areas. No one is ever done learning, even old dogs. You’re a work in progress and that is your remedy against a quick-to-give-up ailment. Any natural talent will become less and less powerful in your environment as your environment changes and grows. Success starts to become harder, so you must see skill building as a lifelong opportunity and failure doesn’t mean you’re an idiot but means “hang in there, kitty” and grow. 

The Individualist

No matter how many times your parents have said “you’ll never know unless you ask”, you still can’t ask. Not instinctively knowing means you’re an imposter. You have a delusion that you should be completing things on your own because you should have the answers and if you don’t, you’re inadequate. When you do have the courage to ask for help, you frame questions in ways to deflect away from your needs to learn. Never just “I need help as I don’t understand” and always “the project is bigger than originally anticipated and I need you to do this part if you can?” Young suggests for The Individual to become a part of the team, you must simply recognize you are already in a team. Be vocal and share your work and creative process and figure out who you trust to share things you struggle with.  

The Expert

I sincerely don’t trust people if they say confidently, “I know what I’m doing”. I found that becoming an adult in part is realizing that no one knows what the actual fuck is going on… and then I found out about this. The Expert, the final category that, although I have a creepy connection to all, personally resonates the loudest out of the five. This is when you feel like you’ve pulled off the greatest con of them all - that you know what you’re doing. You are constantly trying to learn to stay competitive in the job market, endlessly seeking information to the point where it becomes a form of procrastination (this copywriter with graphic design training says check). You shy away from applying for jobs unless you meet every single requirement (check). No matter how long you’ve been in a role, you will never know “enough” (check). As RuPaul would say, “you’ve just been read”. What to do to get over this syndrome? Instead of hoarding skills for an unforeseeable future task, try practicing “just-in-time” learning. Do what everyone else does and learn on the job (just Google it) and realize there’s no shame in asking for help.

I feel like all these categories have redeeming qualities as well as negative drawbacks, as each one demonstrates a sense of ambition and motivation that might have gone too far or not far enough. It’s why you, like me, will probably find yourself identifying with more than just one. Although you will come to your own conclusions on whether you fit into these horoscope-like workplace insecurities, I can only speak for myself on what I have learned (cue Carrie Bradshaw wrap up).

Although this is uncomfortably different from all my other “articles” on my blog as I have reluctantly inserted myself into the subject matter, I’m doing one thing we can all do to get over our imposter syndrome shortcomings. Have confidence and accept the uncomfortable. It’s a conclusion Gates agrees with but understands it will be persistently chipped at no matter how much you work on it. “Confidence will come, and it will go. But know that we all struggle with this, so you aren’t alone and having this problem isn’t a problem – unless you don’t work on it…. question your motives and imposter syndrome will be less and less a part of your life and you will have the tools to fight it when it is.” As I scour LinkedIn for jobs I feel I shouldn’t apply for and write articles with too many rhetorical questions as procrastination, I can’t help but clichély concede that I can’t change overnight. That said, what I can change right now is, instead of “swiping left” on the opportunity to apply for a job I may or may not be qualified for, I can validate my work ethic by simply clicking apply. I’m not an imposter, I’m damn good at my job but I have more to learn from those who I work with now and in the future. I may not fit all of your criteria today, nameless job, but I have confidence I will surpass it soon and that should be included on your list of prerequisites.

Listen to Crazy One Podcast to hear Stephen Gates thoughts on the topic http://thecrazy1.com/episode69/

And find Valerie Young’s book, “The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It” on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/dp/0307452719/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_U_x_Ed9YBbV75X3Q2

*1) Mental health and wellbeing in the media, marketing and creative industries, Mentally Healthy 2018 Summary of Key Findings